When I think of going back to work I feel afraid. I feel like I shouldn't say that here because won't I be judged? Can't this affect my job security?
I don't think so.
I see a mixed bag of emotions when other moms publicly express how they feel about the end of their maternity leave. Some say they're excited while others dread it.
For me, it's too complex to sum up in one easy-to-digest word.
I feel like I probably feel what a lot of other women are feeling but, understandably, don't feel comfortable expressing because we live in a world where they want the superwoman who adapts to a mans pace, a mans world.
Since I became pregnant it's like everything about who I was was written on a chalkboard and then kinda smudged. You can still read some pieces but, for the most part, it looks different.
What did it say?
Who was she?
I try to chase the old me but I am not her anymore. My priorities are different.
So I think my ambition has changed and that’s what I need to accept. I won’t be the same me I was pre-baby because I am not her anymore. I need to accept that my drivers are different. I may not need to quit my job but rather view my job as the thing that will help me do things I do care about like give Hugo his best life. Maybe I don’t need to continue to find so much of my identity in my work and that’s a good thing.
I don’t want to be my work anyway.
But change is difficult so maybe my mind is somewhat anxious because we’re naturally somewhat resistant to change because on a primitive level, as humans, it challenges our survival.
What I love is Hugo forces me to slow down. I can’t go and do 500,000 things which of course can be weird at first but then it makes me realize how go, go, go I was never having time to properly think. For once, I feel like I have (some) space to think be it during a breastfeeding session, my 10-minute shower, or a walk.
There’s this urge to have it all neatly figured out but that’s not how life works.
I think I’m being forced to ask myself all these hard questions because it’s time for a new chapter. It's a metamorphosis of sorts. As I break out of the cocoon of this chapter there are a few rough spots to break out of so I can stretch my wings. And as I stretch I wonder if I will fly.